Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
