Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
