dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
