Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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