so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
