I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
