I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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