mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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