The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
