Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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