watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
