I accidentally had phone sex last night
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
