Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
