I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
