Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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