i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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