Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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