I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We have started to decorate penises.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
