I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
