Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
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