if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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