I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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