I cannot find my penis.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
