I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
