i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
