i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
