Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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