when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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