i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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