roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
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Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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