question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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