dude i'm inner monologue high
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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