Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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