Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
