Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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