So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
