The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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