dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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