This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
