It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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