Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
