DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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