her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
