apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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