a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
