it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
