it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
