I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
