I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
