Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
