just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
