My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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