Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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