fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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