seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
